When I was 21 I went to my doctor’s office and asked for a vasectomy.  I was laughed out of his office.  I waited patently for 10 years before trying again.  This time the doctor was more receptive.  After the procedure he said I was the happiest most relaxed guy he’s ever had in the operating room.  I told him I’d been waiting for 10 years to ensure I wouldn’t have to live or deal with kids and that the procedure was like lifting a weight from my shoulders. 

 I’m a big fan of toys like Jeeps, motorcycles, boats and such.  Kids often end up replacing toys and sucking up free time.  Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, I just don’t want to live with them or deal with them 24/7/365.  I’m perfectly suited for the grand parent role; send them home at the end of the day.

 After my divorce I entered the dating pool, the only requirement for a date was; no kids and no desire for children.   I finally ended up in a committed relationship with the lovely and gracious Kellie.  Her kids were grown and gone, “were” being the key word in that last sentence.   

It really wouldn’t be very decent of me to go into all the details, let’s just say her daughter has made a living out of making poor decisions on just about every level of her existence. 

So, here I am the guy who has spent considerable time and energy, even suffered surgery to avoid the responsibility of raising children, that's right...  raising children with their grand mother.  I wish I could look the other way, but my damn code of ethics requires me to do the right thing, even when it sucks. 

So, this is going to call for a little lifestyle change.  I will say that everything I thought about raising children is absolutely true.  They’re little pains in the ass.  At the same time I’m having fun introducing them to the world and showing them the way.  Hopefully this doesn’t last too long, and their mom pulls her head out of her ass.  Until then you can just call me Papa Todd. 

 Damn, no one saw this coming, especially me.

  Things a middle aged instant father notices 

1. Using logic on children only pisses them off.
2. Silent children can be more threatening than the screaming, thumping and crashing noises.
3. Zip ties and duct tape are not considered effective parenting tools in most circles.
4. A new Sponge Bob DVD will provide a blissful respite from the young ones for one day, before the DVD itself becomes an irritant.
5. Children are hungry 24 hours a day with the exception of breakfast, lunch, and dinner time.
6. Naptime is a double edged sword, a moment of peace, followed by recharged batteries.
7. A shotgun blast to the face is probably less painful than negotiating a mine field of Legos and match box cars in the dark.
8. “Sticky” in no longer an adjective it is a way of life.
9. The louder the toy is or more able it is to stick to carpet guarantees its popularity with the young ones.
10.  God made children so cute to keep grumpy old curmudgeons like me from twisting their little heads off.

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